it is about 2-3 weeks away from college starting again. thank goodness. seriously i don't think i'd make it without having something to do. i NEED something. a purpose... idk. just seems like i do a lot of nothing. i stay home, take care of makayla, do dishes, laundry, etc. not much else. seems that i can't be happy and also can't make others happy. so other than to be miserable, why am i here? i really am sick of this depression thing. it keeps getting worse and worse. no matter what good happens, i always expect something bad to happen or don't seem to think its good enough. i'm pessimistic. doctors always told me that i needed to pretend that i am happy and it will come to me. doesn't work. if i feel like crap (which is most of the time) and when i smile, i just feel like i'm trying to be something i'm not, which i suppose what pretending is, but still. i'm not an actress. i don't do the the acting thing. i am how i am. no one understands it. depression is a medical problem and won't be helped until i can get medical help. me trying to be optimistic won't do anything. no matter how hard i try. terrell says he wants to help me to be happier, but the truth is that he isn't exactly any better than me. how does a pessimist help another pessimist be optimistic? doesn't happen. i'm just so tired of feeling like there is no point. i'm using oxygen that someone with a purpose should be using. i don't have even one good reason for me to be alive. to me... there are 4 things you need to be happy: love, family, friends, and money. i have family... kind of. nosey and very opinionated so i can't really talk to them. the others i don't have. i don't feel like i'm loved or can love anyone because it's not in my nature. i've always come last. i don't have any friends that i can call up and see if they wanna hang out. since i don't have a job, i have no finances. i have stuff to pay but i'm not capable of paying it. so i'm forced to rely on others and therefore have to do what they want. i guess i'm not worthy of a job. i have filled out numerous applications from places that ARE hiring and not 1 person has called. so... what's the point. i'm very close to giving up. if i don't get a job so i can pay to go to a therapist, i might do something that i shouldn't do. god knows it wouldn't be the first time.